I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize