Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The ass gains better be worth it
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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