Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dating After Heartbreak
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.