Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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