A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
