I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
