I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
