if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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