I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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