he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
