roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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