did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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