I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
