Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize