My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
