i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
