I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
