Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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