After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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