i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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