He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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