btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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