my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
