i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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