i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
