I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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