I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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