Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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