Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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