meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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