WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize