How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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