he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
