mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
