First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Let's get the cat blown out
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
