New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
