I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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