my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
