do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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