Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
