How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
