Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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