I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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