Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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