census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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