I didn't shave. On purpose
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
