I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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