i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
