I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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