his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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