So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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