New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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