the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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