Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You are a genius and a whore.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
