I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
